Ten signs that you are in a Musical:

1.    You find that you are often followed around by a group of people wearing co-ordinated outfits.

2.    It is night-time. This inspires you to sing.

3.    The lighting has just changed dramatically.

4.    A day-to-day event has suddenly adopted a new meaning, and this inspires you to sing.

5.    Something happens that it tenuously relevant but, more importantly, visually impressive.

6.    It is morning. This inspires you to sing.

7.    During a song, you have an epiphany that leads to a key-change.

8.    It is raining. This … inspires you to sing.

9.    You angrily shout “no!” and then burst into song.

10.    There is a shoe, or a hat, or a cow, or a cape, or some hair, or a different shoe … you are about to roll a dice, or you are on a hill or a broom, in a car or in a helicopter – you feel pretty, or hide behind a mask; you have a cool umbrella, or enjoy tidying rooms, or you are a plant that lives off the blood of humans … you want to be like someone else, or it is midnight, or you killed a guy, or stole from a guy – you can't afford rent, but you can afford to jazz up a car and paint it pink; you want to be king, or you want to be famous, or you want a book … ALL of these things inspire you to sing.

So you're in a musical. You're tap-dancing your way through all your worries, and trying to pretend that you're not out of breath when you have to sing at the same time. Everything is inspirational, and exciting, and bursting into song is just the done thing. Now what?

1.    Bear in mind that singing lessons are never free – especially from people who randomly appear in mirrors and demand your unconditional love.

2.    If you sing something important, remember it; you will probably have to sing it again, though in a different key.

3.    You are now allergic to dairy. Instead, drink honey in hot water.

4.    Learn to judge the people who come into your life by the tune thataccompanies their entrance.

5.    (If somebody enters on a minor chord, keep a close eye on them.)

6.    If somebody starts singing or dancing nearby, be prepared to join in at exactly the right moment and know exactly what to do. Make it look natural.

7.    If you find yourself next to a celebrity, it's not necessarily a good thing.

8.    If you find yourself alone on a stage, pour your heart out in a self-indulgent yet powerful song.

9.    Spoken words are changeable and, ultimately, forgettable. But if it's been sung, it's official.

10.    It's never only a bit sad, or quite good, or just an idea: it is the opportunity for an entire song and corresponding dance.

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