Now, I will be the first to admit that our last PTA meeting, which was held shortly after Miss Trunchbull's sad departure from the school, did run a lot more smoothly than our meetings have in the past. I am, of course, referring to the fact that not one parent was thrown across the school field like a hammer. Not one!
And this is all very well, Miss Honey, but let me ask you this – is avoiding one or two hip replacements each term really justification for letting the teaching standards of Crunchem Hall slip? I think not!
Allow me to explain my specific concerns.
Firstly, I wish to address the process which led to your appointment as the school's new headmistress. I was surprised (nay, shocked) to realise that I have not seen a SINGLE teacher other than yourself and Miss Trunchbull on set – I mean, in the school. Are there really only two of you? Can these student to staff ratios really be correct? CAN THEY?
To my point, this begs the question of whether ANY other cast members – I mean, candidates – were interviewed for the position. Was the role advertised externally? And are you in any way qualified to run a school, or is it just that your ridiculous surname has somehow convinced everybody that you MUST be a nice person? Somebody called 'Miss Honey' is NO LESS LIKELY to be an axe-murderer than somebody called 'Miss Vinegar'! It just doesn't make narrative sense.
Secondly, I wish to point out a serious concern which, had you received LITERALLY ANY formal training, would probably not have become an issue. Miss Honey, the fact that I actually need to point out to you the blatant favouritism that you have shown towards Matilda Wormwood is a disgrace. A disgrace, Miss Honey.
You CANNOT just kidnap a child, take her to some random shed which you claim to live in, and visit her home uninvited. How do you even know where she lives? Have you not heard of GDPR? Then to adopt the girl! Miss Honey, do you have any concept of professional boundaries? Miss Trunchbull may have fractured Beatrice's knee at that bake sale in May, but at least she treated all of her students with EQUAL disdain and hatred, which is more than I can say for you!
Lastly, Miss Honey, I feel that I really must question how much control you have over the goings-on in Crunchem Hall. Allowing ghosts to write menacing messages on the classroom chalkboard? UNACCEPTABLE. And your laissez-faire attitude towards the Wormwoods' involvement with the Russian Mafia is beyond disturbing.
How is it that one school can attract so much unnecessary drama and in such a strangely theatrical, almost completely unbelievable manner? It is quite honestly beyond me.
I do hope you understand, Miss Honey, that I write this letter only because I feel that it is my duty as a member of the PTA. My own children may have left Crunchem Hall six years ago, but my devotion to the PTA has not wavered, and it will not waver. I will strive to see that the students of this school are given the very best education until we can finally lift our heads high and say with pride that Ofsted rated our school: 'Not Terrible'.
I hope that you will join me in this glorious aspiration, and look forward to receiving your detailed response soon.
Matilda The Musical is currently booking at the Cambridge Theatre through October 2019. Book your tickets here.